Reader Discussion: Does Absence Make the Heart Grow Fonder?
I’m sitting here at the computer, listening to my daughter on the baby monitor while she sleeps in her room. My wife is in our room, and because of the huge smile she had when I got up this morning, I can only imagine she’s in there dreaming of a scantily clad Johnny Depp.
Both of my girls have been out of town for the last two weeks, leaving me here to “bachelor” it up with the cat. The time they were gone, of course, they were missed. I must admit, though, I really enjoyed the time to myself.
I asked my mom her opinion about all of this and I told her that I really did miss my family, but I was really enjoying the time to myself. She said that absence makes the heart grow fonder and sometimes a marriage needs a little “break” like this. I trust her opinion on this, as she is quite familiar with an absence like this. My step-dad works on the other side of the state, so he typically spends the week over there and comes home on the weekends. My mom had said this was difficult, but it made the weekends so much better because their time together was so much more important.
So, dear readers, I’d like to get your opinion. Do you think a break is a good thing every once in a while or do you think a couple should do everything together? Are you (or have you been) in a long-distance relationship? Has it worked? Does absence really make the heart grow fonder, or does it make the heart grow further apart?
Jul 20th, 2008 at 5:16 am
I do think that absence does make the heart grow fonder. However, a combination of these things is key to me; time away is good, but being able to do things together is also good. This is probably a universal truth to relationships, with varying degrees of importance on the varying ends of the spectrum.
Having been through a few past failed relationships, I think I’ve found the perfect social chemistry with my current S.O. of two years. He and I almost always socialize together; an important quality in a S.O. to me is being a close friend, first and foremost. However, I also treasure our times apart. About a month ago, he left for an annual work conference for four days and I really enjoyed my time alone. Even if I do the exact same thing that I do every other day, I’m doing it with the knowledge that I can’t just walk in the other room and see him. For one, it gives me the chance to miss him, to forget about the everyday ways that he annoys me or the ways that I annoy him, and to think about the positive things, the reasons why I do want to walk in the other room and see him immediately. Of course, implicit trust him is another important component to why this works for me.
I have also been in a long-distance relationship that didn’t work, unsurprisingly, because it didn’t start out as a long-distance relationship and we tried breaking up due to a variety of complex compatibility issues, but absence made the heart grow fonder, so we kept coming back for the good times. ;-) I think that if the relationship is otherwise strong, some distance won’t hurt it, but there is a cap on these things, if the distance is so great/prolonged that it’s causing your needs not to be met.
Jul 20th, 2008 at 7:13 am
Yes…a break is great every once in a while. In fact, I don’t feel clingy or needy and that my husband needs to be around for me to function. I enjoy my time alone.
On the other hand, my husband is the one who feels like he misses his family. He travels very often and thinks of home a fair bit.
Me? I’m having a great time! I know that the time apart helps us reconnect better when he is back!
Evelyn
Jul 24th, 2008 at 8:51 am
The time alone gives me a chance for me to nourish me, to relax and a chance to take stock of what has been going on. If the pressures associated with constantly negotiating shared time, space and energy can be relieved for a short period, it creates an opportunity for a rejuvination of physical, mental and emotional energies.
My husband and I work different rosters, sometimes we go to work on the same days, sometimes we are on break together or one works and the other is at home. This gives us the perfect balance of space and togetherness.
Jul 29th, 2008 at 12:33 am
I think that doing things apart once in a while is good because it gives you a chance to miss the other person–which is good so you won’t take each other for granted–and it adds a little bit of mystery since when they come back they’re not so familiar (at least not as familiar as seeing someone every single day without a break).
Jul 30th, 2008 at 10:21 am
@Liz - Excellent point; moderation is key. It is important to find the balance between “me time” and “us time”. You make a good point about trust. Yes, indeed, trust is vital to allow independence. If someone is jealous or overbearing, they wouldn’t be able to handle you going away without them. That has always been a major “red flag” for me was whether or not I could go out with my friends and not be bombarded with phone calls asking what I was doing and who I was with.
@Evelyn Lim - I agree! I enjoyed the time away, but like your husband, I really missed my family. I’m looking forward to reconnecting with the wife when she returns, too.
@howling hervor - You speak the truth.. sometimes we get so on top of each other, it is difficult to really difficult to separate the “me” and the “us”. Independence and “me time” is still important in a relationship.
@Marelisa - Fantastic point! My wife asked me before she left whether or not I would miss her. I told her “I can’t miss you if you won’t leave”. I was, of course, making a joke but time apart can definitely remind us of how much we enjoy the other person’s company. .. and a bit of mystery is always a good thing!
Aug 2nd, 2008 at 9:01 pm
I think a little time apart is great! Although it is hard to fall asleep without you rubbing my back every night.
Thanks for outing me on my little crush sweetheart! He does not visit my dreams but you are always there, “scantily clad”.
Missing you now, loving you always.