While in the delivery room, the doctor began to prepare everything for the new arrival.  He gave me a set of scrubs, a mask, and a hairnet and said “Put these on.  When the baby comes out, hold her by the back of the neck to support, then grab her legs in between your fingers”.

I blinked and think I actually said “lolwut?”.

I. Delivered. My. Daughter.

I thought simply watching a baby being born (and yes, watching everything) was amazing enough when Hannah was born.  However, actually catching Kylee as she was born was nothing short of breathtaking.

Mommy and the new baby are doing wonderfully, and Hannah is beginning to adjust to her new baby sister.  Hannah is amazing with Kylee; everytime the baby cried Hannah jumps up to make sure everything is okay.  Hannah has also began to show a huge interest in baby dolls and will put her own baby dolls in Kylee’s carseat, swing, and bouncy-chair.

Kids, as stressful and aggravating as they are at times - are just as amazing at other times.

Half-way through my second cup of coffee,  Hannah decided it was time to wake up.  I took her out of her crib and performed the baby morning routine and opened her playroom door for her to play while I finished my coffee.  Shortly after, Hannah was back at my side.

She grabbed my hand and gave it a light tug.

“Daddy, ‘mere.”

“Okay, honey, what do you want to show me?”

She led me in to her bedroom, and pointed at her closet.  “Op..”, she said as she gestured her hands apart.

I opened the closet door, where we had her Little Mermaid toddler bed being stored until we felt she was ready for her “big girl” bed.

Hannah tapped the toddler bed, then grabbed my hand again and led me across the room.  She then bent down and tapped the floor.  She then pointed to herself, made the sign for sleep, and pointed at the floor.  ” ‘na sleep!”.

Apparently, she was ready for her toddler bed to be set up.

Hannah and I spent the morning cleaning her room and rearranging her furniture to make room for her new bed.  While I didn’t get to finish my 3 goals for that day, I was able to spend some time with my daughter - something that was much more important then battling spiders in the backyard.

Today is Blog Action Day 2008 and the topic is Poverty.  Growing up, my family was not very well off.  My mother told me about my having to sleep in a dresser drawer as a baby because she could not afford a real crib.  Years later, my earliest money-related memory is that of my mother and step-father sitting at the dining room table.  My father pulled a $20.00 bill from a bank envelope and layed it on the table.  He said, with an mixture of resentment, shame, and stubborn determination “That’s all that we have left”.  I don’t remember the circumstances of that moment, but I do remember that I didn’t understand what had just happened.  Neither one ever made my worry about their financial difficulties, neither of them ever even told me they were having problems.

My parents were not people to accepted charity.  If a charity offered assistance, my parents would always offer up something (usually the kids) in exchange for the goods and services provided.  If a charity gave them food, we all worked a kitchen.  If someone gave us building materials (lumber, etc.), we helped build a house that weekend.

I’ve noticed that there seems to be a trend leaning towards elimination of poverty by donating.  While, in theory, this is a fantastic idea this leads one to begin to expect assistance.  “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime” rings so true.

While I will support all charitable organizations when I am able to, there is one organization that I support wholeheartedly and have regularly volunteered my time: Habitat for Humanity.  I support them because they are not a charity who simply gives things to people who would not help themselves.  This group requires that you become an active participant in your restoration.  Habitat for Humanity uses volunteers and donations to build houses for people who could not otherwise afford housing.  The catch is that the ones who qualify to own these houses must also help build their house.  This organization is a perfect example of helping someone out.

While I agree there are some who simply cannot provide for themselves, there are too many who utilize a charitible system to fund their own laziness.  Seeing those who game the system enrages most people who put in to that system for hopes that they can improve the world.  While I agree with the idea of “sharing the wealth”; I also believe that helping someone is teaching them to fish.

An unfortunate turn of events had an old family friend stay with us for a few days.  My wife and I had not seen her in quite some time and and we both enjoyed spending a bit of time catching up with her; all of us were eager to express where we had been in life, what progresses our kids had made, and how we’ve grown in the time we had been apart.

During our conversation, I found myself thinking of ways that I could include little anecdotes or stories about what my daughter had done last week to match the stories about what her son was doing.  I caught myself not really listening to what she was saying, but simply waiting for my turn to speak.

I had to remind myself to keep my mind quiet and really listen to what was being shared.  If I wanted my friend to listen to my stories with genuine interest, I would need to show the same level of interest in her stories.

When is the last time you actually listened to someone?

I don’t mean “listening”, as far as the skill of effective listening is concerned; I’m referring to real listening.  The kind of listening where you and the person you are speaking with are so involved in the conversation that the world around you fades away and the only thing you notice is the conversation.

Sometimes, we forget about listening and the act of conversing with one another becomes either a routine or a competition.  The conversation becomes a means to an end; your focus is the goal.  My wife laments that I am very guilty of this in my conversations with her.  The intention is a major factor of great listening.

Your intention of a conversation will dominate how you listen.  If your goal is to get through the conversation as quickly as possible (for example, deciding what is for dinner), you are not likely to listen very well and instead make statements about what you want and what you don’t want.  However, if you are attempting to build a relationship or to give advice or teach, you are much more likely to carefully and completely listen to the conversation.

In order to improve your listening, change your intention of the conversation.  Make every conversation about building the relationship.  In short, stop being so selfish.  Listening to someone is the ultimate method of showing them you care and that you love them.  Make the conversation about the other person and not about your personal agenda.

Doing this requires effort, sometimes, which also plays a major influence on how well you listen.  Make the effort to understand what the other person is telling you, even if it is something simple.  Remember the last time you were really listening to your spouse and you were able to finish their sentence for them?  It feels good that someone is listening so intently and they are so in tune with you that they can finish your sentence (although, like everything, over-abundance of this can cause annoyance).  A connection has been established and there are very few who walk away from a conversation like that with any negativity.  Make the effort to understand; this will help you with completely engaging the person you’re speaking to.

Putting for the extra effort to listen and empathize with someone will require attention.  Instead of sending that text message while you’re talking to someone, or checking your watch, stop everything you are doing and give that person in front of you your full attention.  You cannot really listen to someone if you are not giving them your full attention, no matter how well you can “multi-task”.  A lack of attention to the person you’re speaking to is not only rude, but makes it more difficult to remember the conversation later.  If you were supposed to pick up dinner on your way home and you weren’t really paying attention and forgot about dinner, among many other things, you would have failed at effective listening.

Really listening to someone can drastically improve a conversation and, in many cases, extend the experience beyond a simple and generic “how are you” conversation.

How well do you listen?

After working all day in the hot sun yesterday, I was sore and exhausted.  I felt great.  There is something “manly” about working outside of a home improvement project (or maybe that’s just me reading too much Art of Manliness or Return to Manliness).

Much like the guy who changes his own oil and feels like an auto mechanic, I felt like a god amongst men after putting everything up for the night.  I told myself that I could do this everyday without a problem.  Working outside, with nature, everyday would be awesome!  It would be better than working in some smug office under those blinding florescent lights having useless power meetings!  I can quit my job and go start working on a construction yard.

Whoa, there.  Reality, kindly come over here and give Russ a taste.

The truth is that, my awe of working outside would soon fade and I would be begging for rain so I don’t have to go out and work in the hot sun.  While after a good day there is a sense of accomplishment a construction worker feels after completing a job, I suspect there are very few who would pass up the opportunity to work in an air-conditioned office all day long, typing at the computer for a decent salary.  No sweat, no cuts and bruises, no sunburns, no bosses who yell and scream when you make a mistake.

I have a friend who used to say “They always say ‘the grass is always greener on the other side’, but did you ever turn grass over?”.  Like everything, it is a matter of perspective.  A blade of grass is green on both sides, perhaps with a subtle difference.  Turn that blade over and you may or may not notice the difference.

“The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still needs to be mowed”

Be content in your life now; your neighbors may appear to have a better/easier/simpler life through the quick glimpses you see of another’s world, but sometimes things are not as simple as they appear.

This reignited the fire about a complaint free world, and I visited their website.  I learned that Congressman Sam Graves of Missouri introduced a bill last July to make the Wednesday before Thanksgiving an official “Complaint Free Wednesday” in the US.  H.Con.Res.404 is currenltly in committee.

In reading blog comments about the proposed bill, there is so much negativity about it.  Comments that this bill violates the first amendment, we’re moving closer to 1984, or that Congress is wasting tax dollars.  Not surprisingly, the commenter’s blogs are full of negativity, complaining, and paranoid dellusions.  Why do people fight so hard against positive attitudes?  Are we, as people, so content with being miserable to each other that we would rather complain about a compaint-free holiday than to look at the positive aspects?

My Complaint-Free 21 day challange was a very difficult challenge.  Honestly, I didn’t even complete it.  I failed, miserably.  The longest I was able to go without a complaint was about 3 days.

So, I’m going to try to stop complaing again.  I cannot tell people to stop complaining if I am still complaining.  I cannot urge my Congressman to support this bill if I do not practice the ideals myself.

In an attempt to stop complaining, my first goal is to have a more grateful attitude.  Gratitude, in essence, is the opposite of a complaint.  If you are truely grateful, there is no room to complain.  Happiness and Gratitude go hand in hand.  Have you ever met a happy person who wasn’t grateful?  Happiness is a result of having gratitude for everything.

One could complain about anything, if they so desired, but it takes a little more effort to focus on being grateful.  Instead of complaining that there isn’t enough room in your house, be grateful you have a home.  Instead of complaining about your boss who has it out for you, be grateful that you have a job.  Instead of complaining about the rain, be grateful that your grass and plants are being watered - for free!

Every moment is a choice; you can choose to be grateful for everything you have or you can choose to stick your nose up and complain about how it isn’t enough.  Being grateful will lead you to being humble, content, and happy.  Complaining will lead you to depression, misery, and jealousy.  

Which works better for you?

I’ve joined HusbandsandDads.com recently and have been quite impressed with their content.  I’ve been a fan of the creators, Cory from AGoodHusband.net and Jeremy from DiscoveringDad.net, so my preference to this site isn’t really a surprise.

The content and the forums open up a community that is rather hard to find - a community by Husbands and Dads, for Husbands and Dads.  My wife is a big fan of CafeMom, but they do not allow men to join.  HusbandsandDads.com is not that way, they welcome Husbands, Dads, Wives, and Mothers; however the content is very much geared towards men.

For those of you who have strong religious (or anti-religious) beliefs, be forewarned that there is some conservative and religious undertone in some of the content.  But, we’re talking Chronicles of Narnia-type undertones.  Cory and Jeremy try really hard to keep the content open enough for everyone.  I’m rather liberal, and they seem to like me okay.. or they tolerate me, anyway.

To give you a brief synopsis of the type of content you will find there, you can find What Wives Want In A Vacation, find out what happened to your fitness motivation, or even discuss the Cohabitation Effect on marriage.

We’re all looking to grow the community, so head on over to HusbandsandDads.com if you have the chance.

Generally, when someone asks me why I am a vegetarian I tend to tell them it is for “ethical reasons” and do not allow it to go beyond that.  I do this to  avoid the level of discomfort that occurs after a vegetarian argument.  If someone is genuinely interested, they’ll ask more questions (which I am happy to answer).

Years ago, I used to argue all the time with people about vegetarianism.  I was a card-carrying PETA member and anyone who even looked at me funny about my diet would incur my hours-long spiel about the horrors of factory farming.  After a while, something changed.  PETA started making news with their ridiculous antics, and their extremism made me extremely uncomfortable (when I received this comic from PETA in the mail, I sent them back my membership card).  People tended to roll their eyes when I talked and my friends had excuses as to why they didn’t want to go to dinner with me.  It was time for a change.

I’ve become much more laid back about it, now.  I realized that if I wanted respect for my diet, I would have to respect other people’s choices.  Not everyone wants to be a vegetarian, no matter how much they might agree with the idea.  Besides, discussing vegetarianism with the clerk at McDonalds is hardly going to beneficial to anyone.

My reasons for being a vegetarian:

Let me start off by saying that being a vegetarian is my choice and my path.  This is not an article to convince you to become a vegetarian; this is only my explanation for my vegetarianism.

My mother says that when I was younger, I never had a taste for meat.  I despised fish (and even to this day I cannot stomach the smell of cooked fish), and was wholly uninterested in beef.  Chicken, on the other hand, was fair game.  When I was around the age of 16, I was heavily in to computers and just starting out on the internet.  I was just getting in to a musical group called London After Midnight.  The lead singer, Sean Brennan, is vegan and was very active on the band’s AOL Group (Yes, THAT AOL).  After some correspondence with Sean, he sent me a link to a slaughterhouse video.  That sealed my fate.  The video was grotesque, and I can still see the images that were burned in to my mind.  I won’t share them here.

Over the years, I’ve developed more reasons behind my vegetarianism, but ultimately I am a vegetarian because I do not believe in eating another sentient creature.  The the other reasons are a “bonus”.

For clarification, when I talk about sentience, I speak of “consciousness”.  I it obvious that human beings are sentient.  We are aware of the world around us.  If you have ever lived with an animal such as a dog, cat, pig, or goat it would not take you long to learn that these creatures also have an awareness about them.  They are aware of your existence, and they are aware of the world around them.  They have a favorite hiding spot; they know the sound of the front door opening.  On the other hand, I believe a plant (and many insects)  are not sentient because they lack these characteristics of consciousness and they lack a central nervous system, thus they are unable to feel pain and react to it.  Science is ever progressing, though, and if it were to be determined that plants and insects are, in fact, sentient and can feel pain.  Well, then I have some major diet changes to work on.

Spirituality - I am a spiritual person.  I believe all creatures have an energy about them; an aura.  Some call this the soul, but I’m not so sure if “soul” is accurate.  When we die, that we leave a certain amount of energy behind in our former bodies.  If death occurs in a time of high emotion (fear, pain, anguish), a lot of that negative energy is left behind.  When we eat the meat of an animal who was killed in a slaughterhouse (a moment in which I’m fairly sure the animal was feeling some intense fear and pain), we are consuming that negative energy along with the meat.

Hypocrisy - I try very hard to live my life free of hypocrisy.  Sometimes, this is impossible.  However, I make every attempt to fix any type of hypocrisy in myself that I can find.  Many people consider eating a cow to be a normal thing.  “That’s what they were raised for!” is a common argument for eating meat.  These same individuals will typically shutter at the idea of eating a dog, even though dog meat is a delicacy in some cultures.  It is hypocritical to say eating a cow is okay because that’s what they were raised for, but eating a dog is not okay, even if it was raised for the same purpose.  I could not continue to eat meat and feel sick when I hear about someone eating dog or duck meat.

Toxicity - Animals tend to ingest pesticides and other harmful chemicals before they are killed, and when we consume these animal byproducts, we are also consuming the harmful chemical residue left behind in their bodies.

Health - I have noticed that my health is quite good being a vegetarian.  I am rarely tired, I have more energy than most people around me.  I am generally more patient and accepting because I generally feel pretty good and my energy levels are high.     I think a lot of that has to do with my diet.  In addition, I can generally eat whatever I want (vegetarian-friendly, of course) and not have to worry too much about my weight.  Vegetarian diets, if done properly, are generally lower in calories than meat-based diets.  Most doctors also agree that a well-balanced vegetarian diet is more healthy for a person of ordinary good health.

Overall, being a vegetarian just “feels right”.  .. and that’s what its’ all about, isn’t it?

Eventually, my goal is to become a vegan, however I do not feel that is a practical choice in life right now.  My wife and my daughter are not vegetarians and I do not have the nutritional knowledge about a vegan diet that I would need in order to feel comfortable about the switch.  Perhaps in a few years, I might make the leap.

Photo courtesy of krisdecurtis

I don’t ordinarily post copies of other’s articles, however I think the message that Leo has is so inspiring and worth a read, that a simple link does not suffice. This article was written by Leo at ZenHabits, and I credit him completely with today’s post.  If you like this article, I encourage you to check out ZenHabits.net - there are some absolutely wonderful articles on that site.

What’s Wrong With the World? Not a Damn Thing

By Leo at ZenHabits

“Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.” -Eric Fromm

It struck me recently that a lot of people think they know what’s wrong with this world, and it also struck me that they’re all wrong.

Seriously — almost every political and religious group, every opinionated person, every publication with an opinion, has said at one time or another what they think is wrong with this world.

Conservatives think that we’ve become a welfare state (giving too many handouts to the poor), while many liberals think we’ve allowed too much corporate welfare (and I tend to agree with this more — we give billions to corporations and much less to the poor and sick). Others think that abortion is the problem, others think it’s declining morals, others think it’s infidels, and others say it’s infidelity. Other things that are wrong with this world, depending on the group: the media, young people, environmentalists, McDonald’s, criminals, gays, black people, white people, foreigners overrunning our country, bigots, radicals, the Establishment, poor people, corporations, lazy people, evil people, Fox News, the Internet … the list could go on and on, obviously.

So what’s really wrong with the world, in my opinion?

Not a thing.

The Prevailing World-view
It seems to be a prevailing world-view that the world is messed up, that there are just a few things wrong with it, and if we could only get those things to change, the world would be great. If we could just educate people and get them to realize what’s wrong with this world, things could change.

This type of view of the world — and like I said, I think it’s the prevailing view — stems from an ideal that many people have in their heads of what the world should be like. They might not realize they have that ideal, but it’s there. And the world will never reach this Platonic ideal, because it’s just this image of perfection that does not match reality. Reality and this ideal are incompatible.

So What’s Wrong With That?
Nothing’s wrong with that, actually. That’s how most people are, and I don’t think I can change that, nor would I want to. I thought it would be an interesting discussion, though, because I think this discrepancy between what people think the world should be and what the world really is can cause unhappiness.

If you want the world to be completely vegetarian and kind to animals, and it isn’t and won’t be in the foreseeable future, you will most likely be unhappy. If you want the world to go back to how it was during your childhood, or during your parents’ generation, and it isn’t likely to do so, you’re not gonna be happy.

The same is true of any of our ideals — do you have an ideal spouse? An ideal child? An ideal friend, mother, co-worker or roommate? It’s very possible that you do, and also very possible that the reality of the people in your life don’t meet these ideals. That might cause you to be unhappy with them.

When reality doesn’t meet ideals — and it rarely does — we become unhappy.

So What’s the Alternative?
I’m not proposing that you, or anyone else, change your world-view. If you, or anyone else, is happy with that world-view, don’t change it.

But there is an alternative, and I’m not saying it’s better. It’s the world-view I try to have: instead of having an ideal, stop looking for perfection. Accept the world as it is, and love it for what it is. Accept people as they are, and love them.

That’s not easy, even if it sounds trite and commonplace. If you haven’t tried it, I recommend you do, because 1) it won’t be easy; and 2) it could open your eyes to the pre-conceived ideals you didn’t realize you had.

What would be the result of this alternative world-view? Well, I think you’d be happier, if only because you didn’t see the world as a fundamentally flawed or evil place, and began to see the good in the world. This, however, is open to individual interpretation, and your own experience is likely to be different than mine.

Does this mean that we should give up on trying to make positive changes in the world? Should we stop trying to make the world a better place? Nosireebob! Don’t ever stop trying to do good things! Even if the world is already a good place, we can always find happiness and satisfaction in trying to do good, in trying to make people’s lives better.

But what about all the evil and suffering in the world? Should we accept and love that as well? That’s the toughest part, I think. It’s hard to accept that people are dying of diseases and famine and war and murder and abuse, and perhaps impossible to love that aspect of the world. You don’t have to love it, but it helps to try to really understand it. Why does this happen? What are the deeper reasons? At the hear of the deepest reasons is humanity — we are all flawed creatures in some way, and that’s what makes us human and beautiful.

Why would someone commit violence, for example? Because they are evil? There are numerous reasons, but at the heart of it is probably that this person was hurt, abandoned, abused, or neglected in some way, at some point in his life. That person needs our compassion more than anyone. And if we try to understand this person, or understand the heart of any violence in the world, then we can better apply the love and compassion that’s need to heal this pain and make the world a better place.

Like I said, this world-view isn’t easy. It requires a lot of compassion, and therefore a lot of understanding and patience and a willingness to open your heart in a way that the prevailing world-view doesn’t.

However, I think it’s worth the effort — at least, it has been in my life. I don’t claim to be perfect, and I admit that I fail all the time. I judge others, and condemn things, along with everyone else. But when I catch myself at that, and really examine the reasons why, I begin to see that I am making quick judgments, and not really trying to understand things. When I reverse that, and try to find the compassion needed, it changes me — in a wonderful way.

How to Love the World as It Is
So let’s say that you’d like to try this world-view. You’d like to love people, and the entire world, as it is, and not as you’d like it to be. How do you go about doing that?

There are six things I recommend doing:

1. Stop looking for perfection and ideals. Realize that you have an ideal in your head, and that it is probably incompatible with the world. It might be an ideal about a person, or about how things should be. The world, and people, are not perfect. Stop looking for perfection, and realize that it is already here.

2. Observe. Instead of looking at this ideal picture in your head, look at what’s really there. What is the world really like? What are people really like? The only way to know this is to observe. Listen to people. Look at the world around you. Gather data, from reality.

3. Understand. Now that you have this data, start asking questions. Why are people the way they are? Why did someone do what they did? Why does this problem really exist? Don’t stop at the first answers you come up with — dig deeper, and deeper, until you really understand something. Seek to understand before you judge, in all situations. Sometimes that will require imagination — you won’t be able to really know the root of something unless you personally investigate everything, but instead sometimes you can try to imagine what made a person the way they are, or a situation what it is.

“To understand everything is to forgive everything.” - Buddha

4. Accept. Once you’ve observed and begun to understand, accept that this is the way the world is. This is who the person is. The world isn’t going to meet any ideal — it is what it is, and while it will always change, it probably won’t change to meet your ideal. The person in question is exactly the same — they won’t meet your ideal, but are who they are. Accept this as fact.

5. Love and compassion. Once you’ve accepted things or people as they are … try to find it in your heart to love them, as they are. The way to do this is to see the good in everything and everyone, and if you’ve sought to really look and understand, you will find good in everything. When you see bad things, understand that this is because of suffering, and have compassion and seek to end that suffering.

6. Enjoy life. The world is a wonderful place once you’ve accepted it for what it is and sought to love it. People are wonderful creatures, full of life and creativity and messiness and uniqueness. Accept this, understand it, love it. And enjoy this gift we’ve been given, for it is incredible. And perfect, just as it is.

“Have compassion for all beings, rich and poor alike; each has their suffering. Some suffer too much, others too little.” - Buddha

Thank you, OM, for the kind post about me and my blog.  If any of you are interested in meeting some other daddy bloggers, please visit http://www.bloggerfather.com/!

I feel like I’m important now!  ;)